The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Campus's Hottest New Hookup Spot? Dean Boyer's Bike

by Sarah de Vegvar

While UChicago lays claim to the nickname “where fun comes to die,” it could easily and realistically be shortened to “where fun cums.” As we all know, UChicago has a thriving hookup culture full of curious, open-minded individuals. In a recent poll of top hookup spots, UChicago’s eclectic student body has chosen as the hot, new hookup spot on campus the one and only back of Dean Boyer's bike.

The Dealer has received reports that its busiest hours are from early evening to just after dark. The act is usually achieved by having both participating members perched in the basket and with the Dean pedaling from the bicycle seat.

Dean Boyer’s bike has replaced UChicago students’—and friends ;)—previous favorite hook up spot, the Rockefeller Bell Tower, which has experienced a respectable eight months in the number one spot. “Sure, the bell tower is great, but after a while it feels like you can’t even hear people hooking up anymore," said Dill Doh before yelling, "WHAT?!" in response to every other follow-up question. Rockefeller Bell Tower has been reporting a steady decline in activity since a flock of thirty pigeons decided to roost in the bell.

Dean Boyer’s bike has reportedly seen a 160% increase in young couples engaging in intimate intercourse within the past three months. While there was a slight drop in late June due to complaints about the squeakiness of the wheels, Dean Boyer has gotten his gears oiled, and the bike’s popularity is on the rise again.

Dominic (Dom) Khan explains the lure of the bike: “The advantage of Dean Boyer’s bike is that you really get to see the campus in a whole new way. It brings the experience of sucking on another person’s face lips to a whole new level.” His partner Hannah (Han) Jawb added, “Personally, my favorite part is when he mutters ‘number 3, number 3, number 3’ under his breath continuously. Nothing helps like a good rhythm.”

Professionals recommend that curious young people should try it out before the winter sets in, as last year the Health and Wellness Center had more penis-stuck-to-bike incidents than could be meditated away.