The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

4 O-Mances That Should Have Ended By Now

by Deb Mukherjee

Justin and Amanda: Justin and Amanda. Justin and Amanda. She's four foot eight, he's five foot ten, could we make it any more obvious that they're incompatible? But seriously, they're from opposite coasts (Chicago and New York, respectively) and they started dating four days into O-Week. The Admissions Office isn't Match.com and they cannot handle the pressure; they barely know each other! They are strangers that started making out in one of North's elevators and they just don't seem to be stopping.

First years and expectations of high grades: When Jesse came to The University of Chicago she was all set to become a Rhodes Scholar. After being the Secretary General of the greater-Rhode Island Model United Nations Conference and the treasurer of the two-time Rhode Island State Champion Cross Country Skiing team, she was all set! Work ethic, sharp. Pencils, also sharp. Then she landed in Professor McStuffkins's Philosophical Perspectives class. She got a C+ on the first paper, but she refuses to drop the class. Complaining about it is slowly becoming her dominant personality trait, and it's only downhill from here.

Scooter and Chad: We were surprised when this one started, but I think we can all agree it's been too long. As happy as we are to see these two crossing frat rivalry lines for love (Scooter's Delta Kap and Chad's Epsilon Chi), if these two stay together any longer the city is going to plunge into a protein powder famine. And no protein powder means all the bros will just fade away. Break up for the bros, fellas.

Dorm Room Wall and First Year's Ugly Decorative Tapestry: The poster only lasted a week before falling on Lindy's face while she was asleep. The collection of alcohol on her shelf is getting gross - that'll have to be recycled soon. But that damn tapestry just won't fall! down! It repels guests, invades her nightmares, and keeps the room from being too tied together, yet it's the one piece of decor she refuses to rethink.

You and Your Sense of Self: What? You haven’t heard? The self is a story we tell ourselves that only exists in our memories of the past and hopes for the future. We’re all having a great time on the plane of dissociated experience so why are you still identifying as an agent force in your own life? You’ll be so glad you ditched that stuffy old notion of who you are once you get to unknow yourself. So get with it and get detached from your earthly moorings, you’ll be oh so glad you did.