The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Only Has Enough Batteries to Power Her Remote Control, Vibrator, or Fire Alarm

by Breck Radulovic

Area woman Tricia Meyers became the unfortunate victim of a resource shortage when her supply of AA batteries fell below three. Meyers, 27, had just sat down to a relaxing evening of reality television, microwave popcorn, and masturbation when the crisis occurred.

Meyers was visibly distraught when asked for comment. “I reached for the remote to watch Real Housewives on DVR and the television just wouldn’t turn on! I realized the batteries must have died. At first, I thought it was no biggie, I could just swap the dead batteries out for the ones in my vibrator.” When Meyers retrieved the vibrator from her bedside table, however, she remembered she had already removed those batteries for use in her fire alarm.

“At first I thought I could just get some batteries from Amazon Prime Now,” Meyers explained. When she realized she was seven minutes outside the delivery window, panic set in. “I thought about ordering a pizza and begging the delivery guy to pick up some Duracells at the CVS down the street. But then I remembered I didn’t have enough in my bank account for pizza, tip, and batteries. UGH!”

For Meyers, going to the CVS herself was unthinkable. “First of all, I had no clue where I threw my bra after getting home from work. Secondly, I’d just applied a super painful Korean facemask and it needed to dry for twenty minutes.” Meyers was trapped, and most importantly, her evening was ruined. “What was I supposed to do? Get up to change the television and use my hands get the job done like a fucking fifties housewife?”

As of press time, Meyers still had not bought replacement batteries and was switching her remaining three AAs between the remote and vibrator at fifteen-minute intervals.