Early this morning, members of the university
community were awoken by a loud explosion emanating from the Midway Plaisance.
Upon looking out their respective windows and doorways, they were surprised to see aA pillar of flame reachinged hundreds of yards into the air, and fragments of hot
metal pepperingred campus, which damageding several buildings and shattereding almost every
window within a one-mile radiusfor a mile around. Soon after these events, aAn email was quickly sent out by the university
administration, explaining the catastrophedetailing the catastrophe that befell the school.
“SSoon after these events, an email was sent out by the university administration explaining the catastrophe. "Students
and Faculty of the University of Chicago,” the email somberly began, “as part of
a multiyear joint initiative between NASA and College Housing, the administration has
been working to design for years designing a new satellite dorm optimized for sustaining
student life and house culture in lLow-eEarth oOrbit. Hubble House, our most astrodynamic low-Gothic dormitory to date, was scheduled for launch this morning at 1 a.m.
email briefly recounted the well-known history of the project, from the
university’s decision to purchase a $1.16 billion dollar Saturn V booster
rocket, its plan to fabricate an aesthetically- pleasing and aerodynamic streamlined dorm
that could be attached to the nose of said rocket, and of course, the
construction of the Arley D. Cathey Mission Control Center and Launchpad. The mega structure housed the dorm assembly facility, resident training sites, and
all mission-critical systems.
brave first-years, upperclassmen, and Resident Assistants eagerly awaited the chancehad trained for years
in order to to foster their educational growth and formative social experiences in Earth’s
exosphere,” read the email. “These fine students were going to study in space,
get good grades beyond gravity, and haveold really awkward O-mances in orbit. They
were to exemplify the longstanding mission of this fine institution by
spreading free and open discourse to the stars. We will miss them, all of them Maroons
to the very endall.”
In unrelated news, the university is increasing tuition
by 300% to cover some, as the email put it, “minor structural repairs” and “a
grounds-keeping debacle on the Midway."”.