The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Saturn V Rocket Carrying Satellite Dorm Explodes on Launchpad

by Thomas Noriega

Early this morning, members of the university community were awoken by a loud explosion emanating from the Midway Plaisance. Upon looking out their respective windows and doorways, they were surprised to see a pillar of flame reaching hundreds of yards into the air and fragments of hot metal peppering campus, which damaged several buildings and shattered almost every window within a one-mile radius.

Soon after these events, an email was sent out by the university administration explaining the catastrophe. "Students and Faculty of the University of Chicago,” the email began, “as part of a multiyear joint initiative between NASA and College Housing, the administration has been working to design a new satellite dorm optimized for sustaining student life and house culture in low-earth orbit. Hubble House, our most astrodynamic Gothic dormitory to date, was scheduled for launch this morning at 1 a.m. CST.”

The email briefly recounted the history of the project, from the university’s decision to purchase a $1.16 billion dollar Saturn V booster rocket, its plan to fabricate an aesthetically-pleasing and aerodynamic dorm that could be attached to the nose of said rocket, and of course, the construction of the Arley D. Cathey Mission Control Center and Launchpad. The megastructure housed the dorm assembly facility, resident training sites, and all mission-critical systems.

“100 brave first-years, upperclassmen, and Resident Assistants eagerly awaited the chance to foster their educational growth and formative social experiences in Earth’s exosphere,” read the email. “These fine students were going to study in space, get good grades beyond gravity, and have really awkward O-mances in orbit. They were to exemplify the longstanding mission of this fine institution by spreading free and open discourse to the stars. We will miss them, all of them Maroons to the very end.”

In unrelated news, the university is increasing tuition by 300% to cover some, as the email put it, “minor structural repairs” and “a groundskeeping debacle on the Midway."