Saturn V Rocket Carrying Satellite Dorm Explodes on Launchpad
Early this morning, members of the university community were awoken by a loud explosion emanating from the Midway Plaisance. Upon looking out their respective windows and doorways, they were surprised to see a pillar of flame reaching hundreds of yards into the air and fragments of hot metal peppering campus, which damaged several buildings and shattered almost every window within a one-mile radius.
Soon after these events, an email was sent out by the university administration explaining the catastrophe. "Students and Faculty of the University of Chicago,” the email began, “as part of a multiyear joint initiative between NASA and College Housing, the administration has been working to design a new satellite dorm optimized for sustaining student life and house culture in low-earth orbit. Hubble House, our most astrodynamic Gothic dormitory to date, was scheduled for launch this morning at 1 a.m. CST.”
The email briefly recounted the history of the project, from the university’s decision to purchase a $1.16 billion dollar Saturn V booster rocket, its plan to fabricate an aesthetically-pleasing and aerodynamic dorm that could be attached to the nose of said rocket, and of course, the construction of the Arley D. Cathey Mission Control Center and Launchpad. The megastructure housed the dorm assembly facility, resident training sites, and all mission-critical systems.
“100 brave first-years, upperclassmen, and Resident Assistants eagerly awaited the chance to foster their educational growth and formative social experiences in Earth’s exosphere,” read the email. “These fine students were going to study in space, get good grades beyond gravity, and have really awkward O-mances in orbit. They were to exemplify the longstanding mission of this fine institution by spreading free and open discourse to the stars. We will miss them, all of them Maroons to the very end.”
In unrelated news, the university is increasing tuition by 300% to cover some, as the email put it, “minor structural repairs” and “a groundskeeping debacle on the Midway."
Also in the news
- 5 Fall Activities That Will Give You a UTI
- I’m Still Trapped in the Tornado Exhibit at the MSI
- 10 Reasons I Cannot Go Back To Miami (The Deliciously Forbidden City)
- An Examination Of The University’s Newest Alternate Reality Game: B.S.
- Saturn V Rocket Carrying Satellite Dorm Explodes on Launchpad
- Opinion: Call Me a Millennial Again, and I Will Summon the Pumpkin Lord
- Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Only Has Enough Batteries to Power Her Remote Control, Vibrator, or Fire Alarm
- Growing Student Movement Demands University Divest from John D. Rockefeller's Oil-Suffused Corpse
- Campus's Hottest New Hookup Spot? Dean Boyer's Bike
- Paul Manafort Falls for the Ol’ “Diplomatic Immunity Under a Box Propped Up by a Stick” Trick
- ISIS Apologizes For Terrorism With Gigantic Wooden Horse
- Six Animals the Div School Wouldn't Allow Me to Give DMT
- Student Health Recommends Mindfulness to Visibly Bleeding Third Year
- Please Remember To Get Your Feels Vaccine
- 4 O-Mances That Should Have Ended By Now
- Dean Ellison Is Always Naked Under His Clothes and I Hate It