The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

5 Fall Activities That Will Give You a UTI

by Ella Hester

The air is crisp, the leaves are falling, and you are definitely going to get a UTI. Urinary tract infections are incredibly common for people of all genitalia, so here are five things to look out for to avoid the painful feeling of your urethra falling out of your body.

1. Jumping in a Pile of Leaves

This one isn't as obvious as it seems. You may be tempted to jump into that pile of leaves in the Classics Quad this year, but it's no cleaner than the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese's. Have you ever seen anyone at this school wash their hands? Aside from the people you've seen wash their hands? Yeah, I didn't think so.

2. Corn Maze

Be prepared for the worst on your house trip to an Indiana farm. Your day starts out with Insta-worthy cider and donuts, but then right around sundown you take a wrong turn. You hear rustling in the corn stalks. You laugh. "Who's there? Stop messing with me!" The sound grows louder, and seems to be coming from every direction.

"THE 'TERIA'S COMIN' FOR YA!" you hear Ol' Farmer Pete hollering in the distance.

"Teria?" you think to yourself. "Oh, he means bact--" And then it gets you.

3. Riding a Broomstick

I think the sexual innuendo is clear here. And it's fun, because you're a witch! Just remember to pee after.

4. Using an Autumnal Lush Bath Bomb, You Capitalist Pig

You're definitely saving animals lives while commodifying your self-care with this anti-animal testing, all-natural brand. Bravo. You know it, and you are flaunting it. You get on your knees and scrub your dingy off-campus apartment bathtub so you can enjoy the patchouli bath bomb with the sultry name, and you feel like a Pinterest Princess for five minutes. And the next day you aren't able to leave the house without peeing yourself and you call student health in tears. Just remember that you spent money to make this happen.

5. Wearing a Sweater

No judgement here; we've all been there, done that. You feel all cozy in the sweater you just got out of the dryer. You feel warm. You feel grounded. You feel safe. You feel loved. We all know what that's like. (Do we?) But you know what else we all do? Pee after. Disgusting. You're supposed to be an adult. You have to pee after literally everything you do now.That's just how adult life is; get used to it, and stock up on cranberry juice