The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

I’m Still Trapped in the Tornado Exhibit at the MSI

by Jacob Johnson

Greetings, fellow first-years! My name is Jacob Johnson, and while you don’t remember me by name, you probably remember me as the awkward blond kid whose sweaty hand you reluctantly shook at the Museum of Science and Industry during O-Week. Haha! Yeah, remember MSI night? With classes and all, I’m sure that all feels like it was a long, long time ago. Not for me though! Because I’m still there, and I am still trapped inside the fucking tornado exhibit.

How did I end up in this wacky situation? Well, I’ll tell you, with one hand typing all of this out on my phone, and the other holding my shirt over my mouth and nose as a filter so I don’t suffocate from the fatal amount of water vapor inside this thing. Near the end of the event, two museum employees were in charge of the large tornado exhibit in the weather section, and they let people come and stand in the center of the tornado while the machine was on. I guess it was closing time by the point I decided to try. I was slightly tipsy from all of the free lemonade, and thought it would be a great idea to just stay in there, concealed in by the whirling winds, and see if the staff forgot about me, which of course they soon did. After about an hour of waiting, the lights dimmed. They had locked up the museum! Now I had the whole place to myself! Who knew what kind of awesome hijinks I’d be able to get up to in here. Still in the tornado, I took a big, deep lungful of air. Then I promptly passed out on the floor, completely dead to the world.

Turns out that breathing in all of that water vapor was slowly but surely making it impossible for my lungs to transfer oxygen to my bloodstream, which made me hit the floor faster than a ten-year-old getting punched in the head by Muhammad Ali, or a first-year after two beers. I awoke a substantial amount of time later (the next afternoon, judging by my phone) to find that they had increased the intensity on this thing from “Educational Vortex” to “Legitimate Category-3 Tornado." M y frail first-year body had been picked up by the storm and was being flung around and around like it was on a merry-go-round from hell. If I wanted anyone nearby to hear me over the noise of the tornado, I was going to have to yell as loud as I could. Preparing myself, I took a deep breath, and immediately passed out again.

If anyone has a moment of their time to call the police or the fire department or the Weather Channel and get me out of this goddamn thing, that would be great. If you’re too busy with work and extracurriculars, though, I totally understand! I’ll just be here. Chilling and trying not to pass out again.