The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

ISIS Apologizes For Terrorism With Gigantic Wooden Horse

by Ryan Fleishman

After years of wreaking havoc throughout the Western world with unbridled violence and hatred, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has finally announced that they realize the error of their ways and intend to apologize by giving the United States a massive wooden horse statue. According to ISIS, the gigantic horse structure is hollow and made entirely of Turkish pine wood, to symbolize how hollow and wooden ISIS feels for committing various crimes against humanity. While hollow, the horse statue is surprisingly heavy; ISIS elaborated that they used especially heavy wood to symbolize how heavy their hearts are with regret.

“We are so sorry for all those crazed bombers and violent armed extremists we convinced to wreak havoc in your great nation,” said ISIS leader and self-proclaimed caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who only stopped sobbing in sorrow when he reapplied methylated chest rub under his eyes. “By the way, our religion requires that you offer halal meals and bottled water to the horse statue every night. If you hear munching noises near the statue, that means the offering worked.” Baghdadi further clarified that the colossal horse idol must be brought as close to Capitol Hill as possible, so that America’s most essential government officials can see how apologetic ISIS is.

At press time, President Donald Trump himself immediately accepted the horse statue with open arms, saying, “This beautiful horse statue, and big, a big horse statue too. The biggest, I’d say. This big bold horse statue proves that the Middle East loves me and I finally defeated Al-Qaeda. President Obama made millions and millions and millions of mistakes, but oh boy, let me tell you, I made the best decision here. The best! Now if only the statue was of Ivanka.” Trump’s caretaker John Kelly elaborated, “It’s a really nice-looking horse statue.”