The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

10 Reasons I Cannot Go Back To Miami (The Deliciously Forbidden City)

by Antonia Salisbury

Home of the day-ger, land of the neon bikini: Miami, my Garden of Eden, I can never return to you.

“Settled in the valley of two breasts, a virgin to behold.” Lady 305, I miss you dearly, but they don’t want to see me because I have a terrible sunburn. I have peeled ten pounds in skin weight, and when I faxed the mayor about it (305-854-4001) he sent my fax back to me covered in lamb’s blood and Cuban Mojo sauce. Of course, you may ask: why can I not go back to Miami?

1. Habanero, meet tall glass of milk.

2. Jason Derulo wants to give me a wedgie.

3. Bounty hunters

4. Crippling math anxiety

5. I have been running an illegal tubing company for months and all I can say is that it did not go unnoticed.

6. I can’t read “a map” or really at all.

7. New Orleans is the new Miami and was the old Miami and knew the word Miami before you even knew how to sit upright.

8. A bird not in Miami is worth more than two in Miami. Say that five times fast.

9. I told a bunch of my friends in Miami that I was fluent in Portuguese when I actually only took a year of it in high school and it turns out that they have this new friend Darren who studied abroad in Portugal and picked it up real quick, so you see my situation.

10. I have never had the pleasure of visiting.