The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

How Short Is Too Short? Dressing for Office Hours

by Breck Radulovic

When it comes to grading, it’s no secret that professors can be cruel, arbitrary, and entirely motivated by lust for their young, nubile students. So how’s the modern American woman to maintain both her GPA and her modesty? Read this brief guide on appropriate office hours dressing to get the A, the D, and altogether fucked.

If you are going to office hours to beg for a C+ in SOSC, you’re obviously not good with words. Let your outfit do the talking for you. Here are some basic guidelines: yoga pants, while suggestive, distracting, and down-right coquettish, are too informal for a meeting with the Philosophy PhD candidate deciding whether or not you get to pass Power. Slacks, while appropriately serious, kill libido almost as quickly as your Capital readings. It’s best to go for a Foucault-inspired bondage vibe. Rock the choker trend with a short velvet mini-skirt that’ll get your professor wondering if you’ve been doing your Kegel, I mean Hegel, exercises. Don't overshoot the mark. Leave the pleather bodysuit and thigh-highs at home, ladies.

You may be tempted to have a successful academic career without ever turning to your feminine wiles. This is impossible. Try to heed your first-year writing TA's advice when they bestow the following advice on essay length: not too short and not too long, just like a lady’s skirt! But be warned; this “advice” is merely evidence of academia’s Madonna-Whore complex. Showing up in demure cropped culottes might get you accused of plagiarism. It’s best to go with homemade daisy dukes that say “I didn’t intend for my ass-cheek to be displayed to all of Gates-Blake when I cut these shorts, but I’m not that great at DIY-ing denim or writing papers!”

Most importantly, you want your sexy office hours look to seem natural. Nothing turns your Latin professor off more than reminding them that you’re only there for a better grade. Toss in some questions about their dissertation on Virgil to seem interested in their life. Ward off that awful air of desperation by sporting your best Walk of Shame attire. You want a low-cut shirt that lets your professor know you didn’t make it home from Bar Night, but you did make it to their 8 AM office hours! That’s how important they are to you! If they seem concerned with your partying habits, you’ve gone too far. The sweet spot is when they offer to raise your grade to an A- while remarking on how much fun you must have had last night.

Remember, genuine hard work and intellect can only get a gal so far. You’ll have to let your objectified body deliver the A. Good luck, dress smart, and never miss a chance to drop by office hours. You never know what might happen.