The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

UC Leaks: Questionable Purchases

by Dan Lastres

It’s no secret that the university’s finances are not in great shape. Between a struggling endowment and a high demand for buildings to name, the administration has had to pay a lot of smart administrators a lot of money to keep the school administrated. But the leaked documents include some projects that would certainly strain credulity and the university’s coffers:

2018: Gala Fundraiser Extraordinaire: Cirque Du Soleil has been booked to perform. The document suggests this is meant to pay off debt from past university galas.

2019: A Second North Campus: Architectural renderings indicate that the buildings will be stacked in reverse order so that all three towers of Double North Campus are the same height.

2021: A Endowment Dedicated to Covering the Costs of "Sordid Affairs"

2023: Reopen Reg’s C-Level: Closed in 1923 after a shaft collapse in the book mines killed three scholars, the C-Level houses one of North America’s most plentiful knowledge veins, and university officials are willing to take risks again.

2024: A Freestanding Wind Tunnel: Planned to be built over the Quad, it will have the strength of an F4 tornado.

2027: The “Fun Lazarus Project”: No details in attained documents.

2030: The Jeanne Gang Institute for Prestige Architecture: The university’s newest division will be housed in a crystalline bubble suspended over Washington Park.

2038: The Discourse-Dome: From the papers: "This arena of knowledge looks like the coliseum of condescension and intellectual combat we’ve been waiting for. This un-safe space will feature rhetorical traps, logical pitfalls, and plenty of nuance with which to beat down one’s opponent. The field of ideas runs red with the blood of inferior thinkers."

2050: Subterranean Expansion: A full-scale replica of the university, but with a lower admission rate, is to be built directly beneath campus.