The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

5 Things You CAN Stare at directly

by Nik Varley

The Solar Eclipse has come and gone, which means that you can go back to staring at anything for as long as you want! Here are our top five suggestions for things you can look at all day long now that the sun has given our eyes back to us.

Flower -- It’s not going to hurt you, it’s just a flower. You could stare at that bad boy for the rest of you life and not feel a thing. Go you!

Thousands of Mort Walker’s Beetle Bailey Cartoons -- If you need something to feast your eyes on that won’t permanently scar them, look no further than the thousands of Beetle Bailey comics that award winning cartoonist Mort Walker has been producing every day since 1951. You could look at nothing but Beetle Bailey cartoons for weeks at a time and never run out. Wow!

The Sea, Sorrowfully -- The sea is a wonderful thing to stare at, especially while experiencing intense sorrow and melancholy. There’s nothing dangerous about spending hours gazing blankly at the horizon while icy waves lap softly at your toes, contemplating a loved one lost at sea. A light drizzle begins as your stare mournfully at a lighthouse across the grey water. Your heart is breaking, but at least your retinas are completely undamaged.

My Mouth -- Get a load of these chompers! You can stared directly into my mouth any time you like, there’s absolutely nothing stopping you from fully inspecting my teeth, gums, tongue and saliva to your heart’s content. You have the absolute and uninhibited ability to stare into my mouth at any hour of the day or night for any amount of time that you feel is appropriate. Didn’t get a good enough look the first time? Stare into it again any time you like, there aren’t any restrictions. No special goggles required, just pop my jaws apart and take a good long look at everything my big wet mouth has got going on.

Eclorpse -- The eclipse may be over, but you can stare at the Eclorpse all you like without any risk of eye damage. Don’t let it out of its cage though, or you might get covered by the hallucinogenic slime that it constantly exudes from every body orifice. Also, beware: one of its four heads is fake.