The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Surviving First Year in a Post Pratt-Faris Separation World

by Greer Baxter

It was daunting enough handling first year at UChicago when it was still possible to bask in the warm glow of romantic idealism that emanated from the blessed union of Chris Pratt and Anna Faris. So when the unthinkable happened and the greatest Hollywood fairytale of all time came crashing down this summer, the class of 2021, nay, all of humanity was suddenly faced with the prospect of getting through first year without the euphoric satisfaction of the Pratt-Faris miracle to lean on. To those unfortunate students—indeed, to us all—I offer the following brief survival guide:

1) Try to remember that deep down, you always suspected that Chris Pratt was too good to be true. You could see it in poor Anna’s face; even she knew he’d cheat on her eventually after he lost all that weight.

2) Vent your frustration with Chris Pratt by taking Self, Culture, and Society, where you can revel in the spectacle of Simone de Beauvoir putting Sigmund Freud in his place.

3) Snap out of it! Your first-year love life was going nowhere whether Chris Pratt remained faithful to Anna Faris or not—this isn’t Bucknell, it’s UChicago, for crying out loud.