The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Fun Burned in Effigy in Annual Ceremony

by Sam Hoffman

At the stroke of midnight on Friday, September 15, a select group of O-Aides, Dean Boyer, and 13 professors chosen by lottery met in the exact center of the Quad, dragging along with them a jolly straw effigy of Fun. As Dean Boyer began to chant the traditional elegy, the O-Aides centered the ill-fated scarecrow along the axis between Harper and the Reg and doused it in whale oil. Then, one of them tossed a match.

Boyer bellowed, “We gather here today to rechristen this campus for a new year as The Place Where Fun Comes To Die. Though some of you may have had fun over summer, it is now time to move on to theory, oh bummer.”

The O-Aides stared into the flames as the professors began to intone a Gregorian chant.

“Tomorrow,” Boyer whispered in the O-Aides' ears one by one, “the first years will arrive with haste, clueless as they stand on Fun's resting place."

As the last of the flames died down, the professors, inspired by the yearly ceremony, began consulting one another. They all agreed to schedule their midterms for Tuesday of Fourth Week and Thursday of Eighth Week, and to encourage their colleagues to do the same. The light from the straw figure faded, and the O-Aides swept away the ashes. Dean Boyer was then seen scurrying up the Rockefeller steps to curse the bells, so that they might ward off all whimsy and delight in the coming year.