The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Local Horse Festival Immediately Followed By Local Glue Festival

by Ryan Fleishman

The Chicago Horse Festival, after rocking the foundations of the city with their awesome celebration of and deep-seated affection for everything horse, is finally packing it in to transition to the upcoming Chicago Glue Festival this Tuesday. The veritable medley of horse-centric activities like the Soldier Field Horse Race and the Cavalia horse performance Odysseo are over, and will be immediately replaced by glue-centric activities such as the Soldier Field Glue Drying Race and the famous burlesque show I Did It For Elmer.

The Chicago Glue Festival started in 1861, when famous horse breeder and glue entrepreneur Timothy Courtland held the first Chicago Horse Festival and noticed many of his horses sustained minor injuries while doing acrobatic circus shows and long races. The legend goes that Courtland, saddened, thought to himself: “Whatever will I do with all these crippled horses?” Courtland, the magnificent horse and glue owner, paused for a second. His eyes suddenly lit up with ingenious passion, and he proclaimed “I know! I shall create a massive glue festival, equal parts grand to the horse festival, to forever stand as tribute to my injured horses!”

Romantic, isn’t it? The Chicago Glue Festival and Chicago Horse Festival are still closely entwined to this very day. Every year an especially high quality batch of glue is dedicated to a horse from the Horse Festival that demonstrated quality both on the field and in the bottle. This year’s Greatest Gluer award goes to Charlie, the great Clydesdale who won the hearts of crowds with his magnificent trampoline act. Unfortunately, he could not accept his reward as he disappeared after rolling his knee on a poorly angled bounce, but if Charlie could see his great batch of glue he certainly would neigh with glee.