The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Airline Passenger Detained For Possession of Lethal Weapon 4

by Reed Thurston

Earlier today, a young man traveling on United Airlines flight 3091 was detained by air marshals following concerned reports of a suspicious video being viewed on the man’s personal computer. When confronted and questioned by security agents, twenty-two year-old Mahmoud Abdullah reportedly attempted to give an explanation for the Arabic subtitles visible beneath the image of Mel Gibson, whereupon he was quickly arrested and restrained after one officer noticed his headdress and heard him use the word “weapon” aboard the aircraft, as per protocol. The flight was rerouted for an emergency landing in Baltimore, where Abdullah was immediately escorted away by authorities and the 207 other passengers aboard were deplaned while transport security investigators searched both the cabin and cargo holds of the aircraft for any dangerous equipment. Abdullah was then transferred into police custody, where he was questioned by Homeland Security officials for nearly three hours after the search for threats aboard the aircraft had already come back negative. While the air marshals aboard the flight could not be reached for comment, transport security administrators reviewed the police reports from the incident and later released a statement defending the officers’ judgment, deeming the suspect’s choice of entertainment to be “an unsafe accessory for travel aboard a high-capacity passenger flight,” as well as “a subpar fourth installment to what was already an enjoyable and well-rounded action trilogy.” Abdullah instead believes he was victim to racial and religious profiling, warning reporters that "the only real danger aboard any aircraft is that of fear promulgated by ignorance" and went on the record stating that “the addition of both Chris Rock and Jet Li made for an undeniably thrilling switch-up in the film’s character dynamic. Danny Glover’s evocative character arc made for every bit a tour-de-force performance in this feature as in any of the three films that preceded it.”