The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Dean Ellison Screams as Scav Participants Rip out His Still-Beating Heart

by Dan Lastres

Mother’s Day Weekend took a turn for the worse on Sunday evening, as Scav participants jumped Dean Ellison and begin tearing into his flesh while attempting to remove his still beating heart in time for judgement.

The list describes item 280 as “proof of his soul.” While some teams attempted to prove it using romantic comedies, the music of Prince, and proof by induction, other participants representing the Burton-Judson, Max Palevsky, and Snitchcock teams took a much more direct approach.

The incident occurred just after a clarifying hint was issued which made it clear the University’s most notorious bass-playing and free speech-loving dean could be found by threatening to vomit at an IOP event. The three teams mentioned above immediately declared their intention to do as much and soon found themselves meeting with “Jay” in his office.

The attack was sudden, and violent; After letting out a spate of folksy exclamations, Dean Ellison ultimately succumbed to the ravenous scavvers who weren’t about to let a few inches of flesh get in the way of their victory.

In the end, it was first year Felicity Armtek of Snell house who walked away with the prize, having successfully parted the ribs enough to remove his heart, take a photo with her team logo, and put it back where she found it.

Dean Ellison responded by issuing a citation for disruptive conduct. But this played into the hands of the Scav judges who had made just such a citation item 164 on this year’s list, and team Snitchcock walked away with even more points*.

*Correction

At press time, the dealer can confirm that no points have been issued for item 280 as the heart submitted for judgement turned out to be a crude reproduction of an actual human heart.