The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

How To Stay Calm When Your Bowling Date Misses An Easy 7-10 Split

by Ryan Fleishman

We’ve all been there: you're on a bowling date with a seemingly nice girl and it’s going great. You even set a personal record of four strikes and a clutch spare on the first five frames. Suddenly, everything goes wrong. Your date, who you once thought was lovely and kind, bowls a 7-10 split. That’s alright, no big deal. She can just scoop up an easy spare, right? WRONG. She hits a single, pathetic pin, then sits down while smiling as if nothing went wrong.

Now, I know you want to tell this harlot off right here and now, but you must be patient. It isn’t right to disturb the other bowlers in the alleyway because of one person's sin. Here are some simple methods to keep your cool in the face of your bowling date’s failure to get the spare.

First, take deep and even breaths -- but make sure not to breathe on your prized green-marble fifteen-pound ball imported from Belarus, as the moisture in your breath will weaken maximum grip. Think of your happy place, whether it be in the halls of the world-famous Benny’s Mega Lanes or simply under a pile of recently shined bowling shoes. Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth. Imagine yourself riding along the ball dispenser. You are a bowling ball. You will knock down any pins in your way.

Now that you have calmed down, you have to address the situation. Gently but firmly ask the jezebel how and why she messed up a perfectly good spare off a free 7-10 split. Your reaction will depend on her answer: if she properly admits her pathetic failure and apologizes profusely for disrespecting the sport of bowling with her paltry skills, then you should play out the rest of the date and ask her to just be friends afterwards. However, if she refuses to acknowledge her irredeemable lack of bowling skill, or attempts to somehow beguile you into thinking a 7-10 split is a hard split to make, you should politely excuse yourself and leave immediately. One unfinished game is better than a lifetime of dishonoring bowling by associating yourself with a corrupt heathen.

Regardless of the conclusion, you must not let this incident get you down. One day you will find a woman who loves you for who you are, and can consistently bowl over a 270. Godspeed!