The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Wall Street Is Filled With Evil Capitalist Scum Except My Dad

by Ryan Fleishman

Listen up, sheeple. Now that you’ve spent some time at the University of Chicago, you should be familiar with the beautiful works of Marx and the wonderful ideals of socialism. Therefore, my fellow Bernie-Bros, you should know that Wall Street is a hellhole of capitalist mouth-breathers who ruin the economy with their free-market evils. Every single person on Wall Street is a criminal. Except, of course, my dad.

Big firms on Wall Street do not work towards bettering society, but only seek to benefit themselves. These fat cats buy their jet skis and their Maseratis without the slightest intention of using the money to help anyone else. Disgusting. Of course, my family also owns a jet ski and Maserati or two, but that’s different because my dad totally donates money to Red Cross. Well, recently we haven’t, but that’s beside the point. You know how sketchy charities can be. Anyways, I built huts in Ghana my junior year of high school so my family is clearly not demon spawn like the rest of Wall Street.

Furthermore, Wall Street capitalists accomplish nothing with their sin-stained careers. Their jobs do not contribute to the economy, but prey upon it like devilish vultures. What do people on Wall Street do? What is the product of their labor? The product of my dad’s labor is important because he catalyzes mergers and separations between transportation companies, which makes our entire economy function smoothly. But each and every businessman other than my dad is a leech. Duh.

But the worst part of Wall Street is how elitist and classist the entire system is. These legions of suits all go to prestigious colleges and join douchebag frats, where they do nothing but look down on others not as privileged as them. As a 5th generation Harvard student and 5th generation brother with Sigma Alpha Epsilon (ΣΑΕ represent!), I have the pedigree to tell you that these stock-jockeys have done nothing to warrant looking down on others. I bet they didn’t even go to a REAL Ivy League like my father and me - probably just Cornell or some trash. These buffoons then leverage their connections to steal jobs from talented youths in the middle and lower class. Can you believe it? Thankfully my dad asked an old frat bro at Luke Capital to hook me up with a summer internship, or these bloodsuckers would have stolen that job as well!

So here are my solutions. First, we hold Wall Street accountable for their white-collar crimes like insider trading, though we should not prosecute my dad because he did not realize he was insider trading and just made a silly mistake. Next, we raise taxes on those wealthy bastards except my dad because he worked hard and earned all his money. Finally, we minimize their ability to control the government with their evil and immoral money, though we should all still vote for my dad when he runs for the Senate next cycle. One fateful day the revolution will come, and we will finally purge our nation of all evil capitalist institutions. All but the one good capitalist institution, of course, which happens to be the transportation division at Goldman Sachs where my father works.

Viva la Revolución!