The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Five Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your Crying

by Morgan Pantuck

1. Cry during meals.

CWE, or “crying while eating,” is the hip new craze that all the young kids are talking about. Yeah, it is a little harder to sigh and sob while chewing a turkey sandwich, and tears do tend to oversalt your food, but it’s all worth it for those extra 30 minutes you’ll to have edit your Civ paper.

2. Do two cries at once.

If you have a gloomy, gentle wail scheduled in the morning and a brief, panicked shriek penciled in after work, why not combine them into one medium-length groan around noon? You can save up to an hour and more than ten pocket tissues this way.

3. Cry while doing your least interesting reading.

You weren’t going to pay that much attention anyway, and those subtle tear stains come in handy when you need to ask for an extension.

4. Pick out tomorrow’s tears the night before.

Instead of spending precious time mucking around in the closet trying on a dozen different types of sadness, just decide which tears you’ll wear tomorrow and set them aside before bed. That way, you can wake up and begin crying immediately.

5. Cry your tears into a dropper and then squeeze them back into your eyes.

Crying costs energy, and you need that energy to work. Don’t force your body to spend effort on making brand new tears when the old ones will still do. Reduce, reuse, recycle, baby!