The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment Buzzer

by Morgan Pantuck

Onlookers were shocked earlier this weekend when local partygoer Josh Casey pressed an apartment buzzer and allowed several unknown guests to enter his building without first verifying their identity, the Dealer reports. Casey, 19, allegedly heard the buzzer ring while finishing his fourth tequila shot at approximately 1:45am. The fearless host then stumbled over to the intercom system and slurred “come on in, bitchezzzz” into the microphone before proceeding to unlock the door without so much as a moment’s concern about whom he might have accidentally allowed into the building.

Casey’s daring behavior produced a diverse range of reactions. “Man, I wish I cared so little about my possessions and well-being,” commented partier Jesse Polkaed. “What a cool dude.”

Other guests reacted more negatively. “Yeah, it turned out to be Tina and Mike, but what if it had been, like, a bloody axe murderer?” quipped area student Rob Chan. “Or that douchebag Kevin from Civ?”

When reached for comment about his controversial conduct, Casey noted that “you jussss gotta live in th'moment, man, you kno—“ before vomiting into a garbage can and passing out.