The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

"You Can Run but You Can't Hide!" Screams Chainsaw-Wielding Dean Ellison

by Thomas Noriega

A peaceful demonstration against the Trump administration ended in chaos as University Dean John “Jay” Ellison ran into the mass of protesters wielding a Craftsman-brand chainsaw. Ellison, clad in the tanned skin of several prospies, charged from the door of Rosenwald Hall while revving the chainsaw (nicknamed “Open Discourse”) as he ran towards the demonstration. The protesters fled in every direction but couldn’t escape Ellison’s insatiable lust for suffering. He caught up to a demonstrator wielding a “Dump Trump” sign and cleaved them in two, shouting “The University of Chicago does not endorse so-called trigger warnings!”

The protesters quickly spread across the quad, but many were unable to escape the Dean of Students' murderous spree. “THERE IS NO SPACE SAFE FROM ME,” Ellison shouted to the heavens, blood spraying across his skin-suit, before racing after a group headed towards the Classics Quad.

Ellison slashed through three students near Bond Chapel, and began chanting “ACADEMIC FREEDOM” at the top of his lungs. It echoed across the campus, disorienting the fleeing demonstrators. The Dean also silenced his chainsaw to avoid detection. A pair of students attempted to escape via Ellis Ave. and the hospital, but found themselves at the mercy of the waiting Ellison, who impaled both of them on his now gore-choked blade as he declared, “I AM THE SECURITY ALERT."

By this point, the protesters were beyond the reach of Ellison’s rampage. “GAZE UPON MY HONEST WORKS,” Ellison bellowed to the College at large. “GAZE AND BE FEARFUL.”