The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin”

by Jacob Johnson

In an inexplicable turn of events, the University’s Office of Admissions confirmed this Sunday that the entire incoming class of 2021, male and female, is somehow named “Melvin.” No staff member is certain how this happened or how no one was able to recognize this fact during the admissions process.

“I mean, it seems like people would be able to tell,” commented admitted student Melvin Marquez. “Also, just how many people named Melvin are there? Did they just admit every Melvin in the entire world?”

The name Melvin, traditionally used to refer to a male, has not been even the tenth-most-popular name in the entire eighty-nine years name popularity has been recorded in the United States. No one seems to know who these Melvins are, or where they come from.

“Look, there are international students admitted from places like China and India, right?” noted admitted student Melvin “Mel” Rivers. “Are you telling me that a bunch of parents in these foreign countries all decided to name their child Melvin? That sounds completely insane.”

“It seems as though some mistakes were made," said Dean Boyer in a recent press release, “but rest assured, these Melvins are of the highest academic integrity and have been selected because we know they have the capacity to flourish at this institution.”

“I guess, on the bright side it’ll be easy to remember everyone’s name.” mused admitted student Melvin “Vin” Long. “On the downside, adding people on Facebook is gonna absolutely suck."

Student advisors point out that this is hardly a new challenge for students at the University, seeing as the entire admitted class of 2020 was named Sophie.