The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Eight Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairs

by Ryan Fleishman

Mona Lisa

The Mona Lisa is widely considered the finest painting in all creation, so I really fucked up when I dropped it down 3 flights of stairs. Nobody knows why the lady is smiling, and now nobody will ever know because there is a large hole where her face used to be.

American Gothic

The couple in this staple of American art is infamous for their stern expressions, which mirror the expressions on my parents' faces when I dropped American Gothic down a massive spiral staircase.

The Scream

The horrified expression of the figure in The Scream truly comes to life while it falls haphazardly down an enormous flight of stairs. I dropped it by accident, but my new lease on the art made its fall worthwhile.

The Weeping Woman

All the discordant parts of Picasso’s The Weeping Woman came back together after I fumbled and dropped it down the foyer staircase. It turns out that The Weeping Woman is actually a portrait of Eleanor Roosevelt!

Saturn Devouring His Son

I have a confession. I dropped this painting down my colossal six-flight staircase on purpose. It is a nasty, gruesome portrait and I could not allow my beautiful cousin Terry to see it, so I threw it down the nearest flight of stairs in a panic.

The Sleeping Gypsy

Rumor has it that The Sleeping Gypsy has an extremely slippery frame. I can confirm this because the darned painting fell out of my hands and down a 100-foot winding staircase just last Tuesday.

Washington Crossing The Delaware

George Washington crossed the Delaware River under horrible, icy conditions in order to carry out a dangerous surprise attack during the Revolutionary War. Washington Crossing the Delaware crossed my titanic-bifurcated staircase under similar conditions and unfortunately did not survive.

The Last Supper

Da Vinci’s The Last Supper is 15 feet by 29 feet and painted directly on a wall. Therefore it must be through God’s help that I managed to drop the entire painting down the 7th scale tripoint staircase in the Convent of Santa Maria delle Grazie. Please don’t tell Jesus!