The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Four Times the Simpsons Predicted My Uncle Frank's Next Bout with Bloody Stools

by David North

If there are two things I know about my Uncle Frank, it’s that he loves the Denny’s Grand Slamwich breakfast sandwich and that he has a wicked case of irritable bowel syndrome. His bloody spurts are horribly unpredictable, so I decided to do some research. After hours of cross-referencing terms like "soft stools," "spicy butt leakage," and "rectal burning," I made a harrowing discovery. The Simpsons has predicted every one of my uncle’s bloody dumps. Here are the top four times Matt Groening was actually writing about my uncle’s tortured anus:

Homer and Apu - Season 5: Like I said, my uncle loves breakfast food - especially the Grand Slamwich. So, when he found out that Sheetz was rolling out a similar sandwich, he had to try it. Much like Apu and the Kwik-E-Mart in this episode, the food was ill-prepared, sending my uncle’s bowels into flood drain mode. The reaction was so quick that his body didn’t even have time to digest the sandwich. It squirted from his nethers in bite-sized chunks in between splashes of anal discharge.

The Father, The Son, and the Holy Guest Star - Season 16: This one required a little extra snooping. So apparently, my uncle was desperate for a cure to his dripping bung. After exhausting all medical resources, he sought after a priest. The priest told him that if he converted to Catholicism, he would cure him. So that’s what my uncle did, just like Homer and Bart in this episode. Once the diarrhea inevitably returned, the priest forced holy water through an enema down my uncle’s colon. Once the holy water was pooled up in his anal cavity, the priest sucked out what was left like a snake’s venom and spat it into the collection jar.

The Simpson’s Movie: This whole movie’s plot is motivated by poop. Homer accidentally fills up a pig silo with shit and then dumps it into the lake. Something similar happened to my uncle. He and his buddies were camping one summer. When it came time to bag their excrement, Uncle Frank’s tight butthole puckered right up and released all the organic matter clinging to his innards into one Walmart shopping bag. This is obviously too much for a bag of that structural integrity and wouldn’t reliably hang from a tree like everyone else’s respectable poos. Out of shame, he decided to throw it into the nearby river which was later deemed a biohazardous location.

The Itchy & Scratchy Show: This one is painfully obvious. It’s almost like they’re not even trying with this one. Obviously, the characters Itchy and Scratchy are allegorical representations of my uncle picking at his festering butthole. After a few loose stools and deep cleaning, the area from his gluteal cleft to his taint is red hot sore. It doesn’t help that he only buys single ply. This leaves him quite literally itching and scratching the inflamed area until the skin breaks.