The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Trump Surprises Pence, Awards him Presidential Chastity-Belt of Freedom

by Dan Lastres

The White House - On Tuesday evening, President Trump surprised Vice President Mike Pence by awarding him the Presidential Chastity Belt of Freedom. During the presentation, Trump called the former governor of Indiana “our nation’s most chaste public servant,” and “a man of untarnished honor”.

Trump’s choice of Pence for a running mate was widely viewed as an attempt to balance out the “rapey vibe” that Trump brought to the ticket. The award seems to be the President's way of acknowledging Pence’s important contributions to the campaign including his aversion to unmarried women and babysitting skills.

Pence, who doesn’t dine with women other than his wife, graciously accepted the honorable girdle with eyes aglow and his hands glued into his back pockets. In his acceptance speech, he thanked his pastor for instilling him with “family values and the will to repress all my sexual desire.” Pence also thanked his wife for accompanying him to the ceremony “because I won’t go anywhere there’s alcohol without her.”

The Presidential Chastity Belt of Freedom was first awarded in 1857 by James Buchannan who wished to acknowledge those brave Americans who reject all forms of self-restraint, preferring to make others responsible for keeping their carnal desires in check.

The ceremony was also an important opportunity for President Trump to get some good press following a string of mistakes and his general incompetence in carrying out any presidential duties more complicated than a photo opportunity. It ended after less than ten minutes when the President got bored and wanted to go do something else.