The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Student Naming Rights Sold

by Thomas Noriega

In an effort to defray mounting debts, the University announced that the naming rights of all current students are now available for purchase, effective immediately. For the duration of a student’s tenure at The University of Chicago, donors will reserve the exclusive right to name pupils after themselves, their friends, or their pets as they see fit. Available rights will be displayed on the Dean of Students’ website, along with relevant pricing.

“We at the University believe this is a big step towards establishing a consistent source of income for years to come,” said University financial representative Milton Marks. “With the consistent growth of our admissions pools and the slow depletion of rooms, bathrooms, buildings, and Brutalist monuments to collective suffering, this solution allows a dynamic, living, and constantly regenerating investment for our financial backers.”

The program began in the University’s School of Economics, conceived by second-year Econ/Stats major Arley D. Cathey. “I started with two assumptions” he said, “That the University likes to make money, and that the University likes to name shit. I wanted to find a way to satisfy both of those desires indefinitely.” But Cathey couldn’t do it alone. He went to Economics teaching assistant and graduate student Arley D. Cathey for help.

“When Jo-I mean, uh, Arley came to me, I knew right away he was onto something,” Cathey said. “A renewable investment that requires almost no personal effort to profit from? It’s UChicago Economics 101. Arley and I got to work immediately, and within 10 minutes, we had a plan.”

When a donor goes to purchase a student’s naming rights, they will find that not all students are priced equally. The base price level for a first-year student is $1,000, a price which will double every year they remain at the University. Their GPA multiplied by $100 will be added to the price -- a decision that shouldn’t affect the cost too much. Participation in RSOs will add $100 per RSO, $200 for leadership roles in RSOs, and $400 for athletic participation (donors appreciate novelty). Student government positions are worth $600, and running a successful meme page fetches a whopping $800. If a student lands an internship, their value will increase proportionally with the internship's field. If you are third-year Arley D. Cathey, your internship at the Lincoln Presidential Library and Research Center adds $200 to your name. If you are 1st-year master’s student Arley D. Cathey, your Goldman Sachs internship makes you a golden goose among men, whose value may be measured only in the wildest dreams of history’s greatest rulers.

In addition to current students, the university is currently accepting pre-orders on naming rights to the class of 2021 and the firstborn children of all alumni.

In unrelated news, Arley D. Cathey has become the most popular name on 4 separate continents, baffling onomasiologists worldwide.