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Cayman UChicago Dorm

University Announces New Dorm to Be Located in the Cayman Islands

An email from Dean John "Jay" Boyer confirmed what Dealer investigators have long suspected: the University's newest residence hall will be located safely off-shore in the Cayman Islands. Architectural plans obtained by the Dealer also show that it will house approximately 1,200 undergraduate students and resident staff in 11 three-floor Houses, along with a new dining commons and community amenit...


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Campus Blue Lights form Union

By Jalen Jiang    Feb. 20, 2018   

A contingent of campus-wide emergency phones voted in favor of forming a union, with 192 of the inanimate steel posts casting 'YES' votes over 95 'NO' votes. Polling took place between 9 a.m. and 7 p.m. at Reynolds Club last Thursday. The University's attempts to delay voting drew the ire of the phones' most vocal pro-union activists. Phone No. 55, posted on 55th and Ellis, stated that current...


Just Drink the Damn Tea

By Te Amo    Feb. 20, 2018   

Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all, you sniveling chumps. “Ugh, Te Amo’s so expensive”; “Why do I have to pay extra for boba?”; “Oh no, they never have anything I want to order.” We hear you, we understand you, but we don’t actually fucking care. Just drink the fucking tea. Oh? Are the widdle babies sad they have to pay a lot? Why don’t mommy and daddy send you another Canada Goose to wipe your snott...


Boss Baby Sweeps the Oscars!

By Shady Dealer Newsdesk    Feb. 20, 2018   

Oscar audiences around the world waited with bated breath as the winner for Best Picture was announced. Many were expecting a serious gaffe such as last year’s La La Land-Moonlight mix up, but no one was prepared for the Boss Baby to sweep every category with its synergistic, results-oriented, and resilient approach to movie magic. That's right, in a shocking upset, Boss Baby has totally swept th...


Why I Only Eat Non-GMO Ass

By Megan Parsons    Feb. 20, 2018   

If you’re a smart shopper, you already know why it’s important to eat organic, free-range ass without additives or artificial preservatives. Personally, I like my ass without toxic chemicals, thank you very much! But what about GMOs? Advocates claim that eating genetically modified ass is perfectly safe, but the truth may not be so simple.Genetically modified organisms, or GMOS, are living entitie...


Lil Uzi Vert Wins Winter Olympic Gold in Men’s Freestyle

By By Ryan Fleishman    Feb. 20, 2018   

In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle at the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. As the dark horse competitor for the United States of America, Lil Uzi Vert wowed the world with a score of 97.36. While men’s freestyle has historically been dominated by American competitors such as the Notorious...


Who's Left? 5 Celebrities You Can Still Worship

By Jacob Johnson    Feb. 20, 2018   

It’s been a revealing few months for celebrity worshippers out there. With a slew of scandals and abuse stories coming out, you might be wondering: who’s left for me to make a giant shrine of in my bedroom? Whose posters will I be able to put up in my house without it turning out to be a huge mistake the following month? Don’t sweat it. We’ve got you covered. Here’s a list of five living cele...


Fan Mail

By None    Feb. 20, 2018   

From: Jo.Kute05@gmail.comSubject: MaxwellThe personal adviser of my deceased client is a national of your country .I am contacting youto assist retrieve his huge deposit of US$10.5Million left in the bank before its Getconfiscated by the bank David Maxwell.Esq. From: Joseph Taillon Subject: Fuck, Marry Kill Fuck: Ellison, Marry: Boyer, Kill: Zimmer you people disgust meSend us article submissions...


Album Review: Justin Timberlake's "Man of the Woods"

By Nik Varley    Feb. 20, 2018   

In 1804, Lewis and Clark set forth on an incredible journey to explore the uncharted wilderness of the American Frontier. It is in the spirit of these brave explorers that I set forth on an analogous journey: a blind foray into Man of the Woods, the latest LP from pop star Justin Timberlake. Like Lewis and Clark, I will surely encounter unknowable dangers for which I am completely unprepared, aura...


Alt-Right Twitter Demands New Oscars Categories for Best Crisis Actor/Actress in a Leading Role

By Thomas Noriega    Feb. 19, 2018   

As the greatest actors and actresses in the world are honored tonight for their hard work on screen, the right wing of the Twittersphere has been crying out for a set of new awards categories dedicated to the crisis actors hired by the liberal media to act out various newsworthy tragedies in order to push a radical communist agenda. The movement was sparked by Twitter user @the🅱️emojiisracisttowhi...