The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Whales Believe the Patriarchy Should Save Itself

Whales rallied throughout the ocean yesterday in protest against recent efforts on the part of ecologically sensitive sea mammals to “Save the Patriarchy.” Protesters wondered why the human patriarchy wasn’t "capable of saving itself" from whale-imposed global warming and world domination. Said one demonstrator, “The human patriarchy still rules, like, 30 percent of the earth or something. If they actually tried to have more power, they’d have it.” Human-patriarchy-loving whale Madame Whaleness countered that “clearly, as water mammals, we don’t understand their struggles as members of the human patriarchy. We have too much privilege as whales, and we really ought to (continued)

Nondorf Appointed Director of UCMC Patient Admissions

James G. Nondorf, the Univeristy of Chicago's Dean of College Admissions and Financial Aid, has been appointed the first Director of Patient Admissions for the University of Chicago Hospitals, President Robert J. Zimmer announced on Thursday. Nondorf will take office at the end of the year. Nondorf’s post, which was authorized (continued)

Poverty Finally Solved When Everyone Just Tries Harder

A collaborative research project of the MIT Sloan School of Economics and the University of Chicago's Becker Friedman Institute claims to have produced an unorthodox solution to global poverty: poor people could just work harder. "For too long," said co-author Charles Janowitz (A.B. '88), American economists have labored under the misconception (continued)