The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Saturn V Rocket Carrying Satellite Dorm Explodes on Launchpad

Early this morning, members of the university community were awoken by a loud explosion emanating from the Midway Plaisance. Upon looking out their respective windows and doorways, they were surprised to see a pillar of flame reaching hundreds of yards into the air and fragments of hot metal peppering campus, which damaged several buildings and shattered almost every window within a one-mile radius. Soon after these events, an email was sent out by the university administration explaining the catastrophe. "Students and Faculty of the University of Chicago,” the email began, “as part of a multiyear joint initiative between NASA and College (continued)

Student Health Recommends Mindfulness to Visibly Bleeding Third Year

At approximately 5:56 p.m., third-year student Anne Crawford reported to the University of Chicago’s Student Health Services seeking treatment for a sizable abdominal wound. Upon examining the grotesque injury, Student Health Services recommended that the visibly bleeding Crawford “give mindfulness a try.” “Mindfulness is a wonderful method of stress and anxiety (continued)

Campus's Hottest New Hookup Spot? Dean Boyer's Bike

While UChicago lays claim to the nickname “where fun comes to die,” it could easily and realistically be shortened to “where fun cums.” As we all know, UChicago has a thriving hookup culture full of curious, open-minded individuals. In a recent poll of top hookup spots, UChicago’s eclectic student body has (continued)