The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Campus Circles of Hell

First Circle (Limbo): Your Room Your humble abode, a reminder of both sleep and toil, cannot be pinned down as inherently joyful or dreadful. Even the most virtuous, pleasure-seeking people are reminded of schoolwork. For each shot poured or joint rolled on desks, there are many more textbooks read and p-sets done. And yet, because relaxation still exists in a place otherwise filled with work and obligation, your room is comparatively not that bad. Second Circle (Lust): The Reg Stacks Where students stand frozen, hoping to live their tiny exhibitionist fantasy of smashing genitals betwixt towering bookcases, but knowing in their (continued)

Murdered Statistician Found Normally Distributed

In a recent study published by multiple members of the University of Chicago Department of Statistics, recently murdered statistics professor Angelino Drinkwater has been found normally distributed. "I can't describe how well the phrase 'normally distributed' describes this situation," said Cook County Medical Examiner Simon Chen. The Medical Examiner was unable (continued)

Memorial Day 2016: Honoring Our Fallen Drones

For 14 years, the drone program has given the President of the United States the ability to execute surgical, extrajudicial, and often political murder from the comfort of the golf course. America rarely recognizes the brave drones who have to go into these civilian locales to kill often innocent and defenseless (continued)