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Cayman UChicago Dorm

University Announces New Dorm to Be Located in the Cayman Islands

An email from Dean John "Jay" Boyer confirmed what Dealer investigators have long suspected: the University's newest residence hall will be located safely off-shore in the Cayman Islands. Architectural plans obtained by the Dealer also show that it will house approximately 1,200 undergraduate students and resident staff in 11 three-floor Houses, along with a new dining commons and community amenit...


LATEST STORIES


Op Ed: Petition to Democratize Golf Cart Access

By Milena Prosss    Feb. 25, 2018   

As you may or may not have noticed, the University of Chicago possesses a veritable fleet of campus golf carts, but they seem to only be available to the College Programming Office and the "people" who "work" there. Additionally, they are only ever seen during O-Week, Parents Weekend, Graduation, and the CPO's other stunt holidays.    If you've ever seen a calendar before, you'll notice these...


Biathlon Fever! The Olympics is Adding Shooting to Every Other Sport!

By Breck Radulovic    Feb. 24, 2018   

Following public interest in the biathlon, an Olympic sport that combines cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that all Olympic sports will include a shooting element. These athletic innovations will debut during the 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics. Not all new events will follow the biathlon form, although most will score the athletes on accura...


My Opinion is Valid Because I Use Hyperlinks

By Morgan Pantuck    Feb. 20, 2018   

There’s something important going on in America, and we need to discuss it. I have strong opinions about this thing, as you can see from my many similar articles on the topic. What’s more, I back up my opinions with facts. I can accomplish this online by including hyperlinks within my written argument that will, presumably, bring the reader to a swath of reputable sources. However, thanks to the...


Top Campus Cafés Ranked by Sexual Tension

By Antonia Salisbury    Feb. 20, 2018   

So you came here to study? Well, we all “came here to study,” kid. That doesn’t mean you can’t check out the tall glass of iced coffee behind the counter. That’s right, the one all wrapped up in a baseball hat who says, “Eeehk we actually don’t have almond milk” just the way you like. Or perhaps we can interest you in a very sleepy TA wearing possibly-real glasses but definitely the same clothes f...


Shake Day Moved to Medici

By Moustache McMannis    Feb. 20, 2018   

Following the decision to move Shake Day out of Einstein Bagels and into Hutchinson Commons last quarter, the University’s administration has decided to move dollar shake sales to neighborhood hotspot Medici on 57th. Per an undisclosed agreement, Medici will continue to serve its usual shakes for the usual five dollars. When pressed about the price hike, members of the administration said that stu...


University Drug Ring Bust Yields Over 30 Pounds Of Raw Prozac

By Ryan Fleishman    Feb. 20, 2018   

In a sting operation planned over the course of seven months, the University of Chicago Police Department (UCPD) finally took down a massive University drug ring responsible for pumping more than 30 pounds of pure, raw Prozac into the student body. This vile drug ring has already proven to have smuggled over 40 million dollars of unadulterated Prozac to troubled University students, as well as 10...


Canada Geese Migrate South as Spring Approaches

By Diego Matamoros    Feb. 20, 2018   

Spring has arrived in Chicago, and with it the familiar scenes that mark the changing of the seasons: the melting of the last snow, births, and the Canada Goose jackets' migration away from Hyde Park. Every year, students marvel at the flocks of Canada Goose jackets making their annual exodus from the Quad back to their nesting grounds in dorm room closets across campus. “It always takes my breath...


Cum-Stained David Lynch Posters Spotted Behind Doc Films

By Nik Varley    Feb. 20, 2018   

At approximately 11:30 p.m., The Shady Dealer received a tip claiming that there is an enormous pile of visibly-stained David Lynch posters outside the Doc Films office in Ida Noyes hall. The posters, advertising Lynch classics such as Inland Empire, Mulholland Drive, and Blue Velvet, were loosely arranged into a rectangular mound, and their stains appear to be sexual in nature. “It’s basically a...


UCPD Unveils New Patrol Zeppelin

By Thomas Noriega    Feb. 20, 2018   

In an effort to expand police coverage across the greater South Side, the University of Chicago Police Department has invested $12 million in a state-of-the-art patrol zeppelin. The airship, capable of staying aloft for over 50 hours on a single tank of helium, is equipped with dozens of high-tech crime-fighting gadgets capable of extending UCPD’s jurisdiction to the heav...