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Botany Pond Ducklings Served at Fourth Meal

Last Thursday’s Fourth Meal featured a very special menu item. We know what you’re thinking, but this time it wasn’t mozzarella sticks! To celebrate the arrival of spring, Bon Appetit said “bon appétit” to the famous Botany Pond ducklings. Supplies were limited and the ducklings ran out fast. But the early bird catches the worm, as they say. Those lucky enough to stop by the Comfort Station before...


Ask Grorg

By Grorg - Lascaux, 45,000 BCE    May 1, 2100   

Dear Grorg, Me Want Relationship, But Only Man Around Is Neanderthal. Still hit? From: Cavewoman Seeking Caveman Hello Cavewoman, As somebody who have Neanderthal brother-in-law, me can speak good on this. Neanderthal usually not cute. 5/10 at best. But Neanderthal also not stupid. Have spent much time around in-law’s family. Have weird taste in music and large foreheads, and eat too much mammoth...

Tincture of the Mind

By Old Dr. Zimzam    May 5, 2018   

Heidegger Reveals Dasein Can Also Do Sick Ollies

By Heinrich Beckenbauer    May 5, 2018   

Freiburg, 1927 As we all know, Martin Heidegger’s monumental work Being and Time delineates and delimitates the trio of fruminous characteristics which are characteristic of his most original and characteristic concept: Dasein.  While it is a given that we all understand the Dasein-Being, a brief summary will not be remiss at this critical juncture in the work. Thanks entirely to Heidegger's thou...

Graduate Students United Rally Disperses After Pinkerton Detectives Open Fire

By Daniel Lastres    May 5, 2018   

Hyde Park, 1892 In a bid to regain control of campus following more than a week of unrest, University administrators ordered a contingent of three hundred Pinkerton Detectives armed with jack-knives and Winchester rifles to secure Levi Hall and several other key facilities. Their attempt to break the picket line, though ultimately successful, resulted in a violent confrontation that left one agent...

Where Are They Now? Checking in With The Class of 1890

By Deblina Mukherjee    May 5, 2018   

Hyde Park, 2018 For more than 265 years, University of Chicago alumni have contributed extensively to the life of the University and to the larger society. Today, there are approximately 91,000 living University of Chicago alumni in all 50 states and 153 countries. The dedication and loyalty of University of Chicago alumni is legendary. In any given year, approximately 26,555 alumni volunteers wor...

Silly Bandz Craze Sweeps the Supreme Court.

By Breck Radulovic - Washington, D.C., 2010    May 5, 2018   

Wow! It’s 2010 and every middle schooler, stoner, and Supreme Court Justice is rocking the hell out of Silly Bandz! You read that right--your favorite robed old people are wearing your favorite silicone, animal-shaped bracelets, and they look fucking hot.  It all started when Justice Kagan’s second-favorite niece, Rachel, gave her a dinosaur silly band. When Justice Alito spotted her new accessory...

Best Seller! Dean Boyer's Book Just Sold its 100th Copy

By Daniel Lastres - Hyde Park, 2085    May 5, 2018   

Roughly 70 years after it was first published, The University of Chicago: A History has sold its 100th copy and is well on its way to being a best seller in the highly competitive "History of Academics" genre. The book, written by the late Dean John "Jay" Boyer, is recognized as the definitive tome on the University's early history, as it is the only one that has ever been written.  The book's riv...

Chicago Fire Followed by Smaller, Dumber UChicago Fire

By Thomas Noriega    May 5, 2018   

Chicago, 1871 As Chicago struggles to recover from the devastation wrought by the recent inferno, the city was struck once again by tragedy, albeit a far sillier one. A chemistry student at the University of Chicago, literally a DAY after a HUGE FIRE BURNED DOWN CHICAGO, reportedly thought, “Ooh, daddy sent me here to learn, let me combine several combustible chemicals without following any safet...

A Letter from the Vice Provost on Manifest Destiny: "To the Maroons of the Future"

By Killian Makepeace Warburton    May 5, 2018   

Chicago, 1895 The Shady Dealer staff was digging up the foundations of Cobb for no particular reason, and discovered a small metal capsule containing a letter from our first Vice Provost on Manifest Destiny. It was slated to be opened in 1980, but was apparently forgotten. The letter has been reprinted in its entirety. Hail Maroons of the future! I hope you’ll tolerate a few words of congratulati...